Sri Lanka’s Care System: Progress, Gaps, And Hope – Nimali Kumari

Sri Lanka’s Care System: Progress, Gaps, And Hope

What if turning 18 didn’t mean turning off support? We sit down with Nimmu, a powerhouse care leaver advocate from Sri Lanka, to map what’s changing, what still hurts, and how to build a system that puts children where they thrive—whether that’s family, kinship, or a short stay in residential care. With warmth and precision, Nimu explains Sri Lanka’s current landscape: most children live in Child Development Centres, foster care is in development, and adoption and kinship care remain key alternatives. She shares how things have improved—care plans, school access, and more respectful language—while spotlighting stubborn gaps like early exits at 15–16, patchy counselling, and the silent crisis of IDs and addresses that lock young adults out of services, votes, and formal work.

The conversation opens with a clear picture of Sri Lanka’s out-of-home care: most children live in Child Development Centres rather than foster care, with adoption and kinship care as alternatives. Nimmu, a formidable care leaver advocate, contrasts her experience from 15–20 years ago with the system today. She explains how many children still exit too early—sometimes at 15 or 16—when schooling stalls, and how preparation for independence has often been thin. Yet momentum is real: structured care plans, school access, and public understanding have improved, and there is a stronger refusal to use the word “orphan” when many children have living parents. The question shifts from “which setting?” to “which setting best meets this child’s needs now?”, anchoring the episode’s core message: the best place for a child is the place that offers safety, love, and stability, whether family, kinship, or temporary residential care.

A major advancement is Sri Lanka’s commitment to aftercare, including grants of two million rupees for eligible care leavers to buy land, rebuild, or secure housing. Nimmu celebrates this but flags equity gaps—older care leavers can miss out, and documentation barriers remain. IDs, birth records, and registered addresses are often incomplete, shutting people out of elections, services, and formal work. Psychological support has improved but can be episodic; counsellors arrive during crises, then disappear for months. Nimmu argues for preparation to start years before transition, with life skills, financial literacy, self-defence for girls, navigating public spaces, and consistent therapeutic support that also includes caregivers. You don’t need to be a therapist to be therapeutic, she notes; stable, kind, attentive adults heal, and trained “mothers” in centres can shift culture.

The heart of the episode is family strengthening. Nimmu believes institutionalisation should be a short, last-resort bridge, not a destination. She points to rising divorce and poverty as drivers of placement, arguing that targeted support—cash transfers, mediation, and practical aid—can keep more children at home. At school, younger teachers and peers are more inclusive, but stigma lingers when children are identified by their institution rather than their name. That language sticks and hurts. Healing requires identity, belonging, and dignity—starting with how we speak. Nimmu’s story shows how purpose transforms trauma: advocacy, education, and shared work turn pain into fuel for change, but not everyone carries that fire. Systems must hold those who cannot self-advocate with equal care.

Peer networks are the frontline. Nimmu co-founded Generation Never Give Up and Rise Together to connect hundreds of care leavers with jobs, legal support, hostel access, and higher education. Their next move is a transition home: a safe, non-stigmatising base where young people can work, study, return at night, and contribute to bills as they stabilise. The model recycles rent into the next person’s start, building solidarity and sustainability. Meanwhile, government discussions on documentation reform promise structural fixes long overdue. Globally, Nimmu is not alone. Care leavers are organising across regions, comparing policy wins and pitfalls, and raising a unified voice: don’t make children independent on a clock; make them ready with community, rights, and real options. The pathway forward is clear—invest early, keep families strong, professionalise caregiving, guarantee documents and housing, and treat care leavers as partners in policy, not passive recipients.

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Transcript:

Colby: 0:00

Hello and welcome to the Secure Star podcast.

Nimmu: 0:05

They are giving 2 million per KR lever, so it means the thousand to the thousand KR levers to build a house or purchase a house. But I know that we are trying to do like uh decrease the number of the children’s uh child development centers in Sri Lanka, but I am pretty sure that it’s not going to be happening. I don’t want children to come into child development centers, and I just want to strengthen the family strengthening. Either it’s a family, either it’s a child development center, either it’s an adoption, or any other forms of like a post-op teachership. Where is the best place for the children? Children should be there. The counseling and psychological support only for the children who are living in CDC, also for the matrons, also for the caregivers should be there. So I’m happy as a careless in Sri Lanka, we are really strong and we are used to government level, we are used to like the private sectors, NGOs and INGs. So we are dealing with all of them. So they should be careful about that. The problems that we what we have faced, it will be not happened with them very soon.

Colby: 1:10

Hello and welcome to the Secure Star podcast. I’m Colby Pierce, and joining me for this episode is a leading care leaver voice in Sri Lanka. Before I introduce my guests, I’d just like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the lands that I come to you from, the Ghana people of the Adelaide Plains, and acknowledge the continuing connection the living Ghana people feel to land, waters, culture, and community. I’d also like to pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging. My guest this episode is Namali Kumari. Affectionately known as Nimu, Namali is a carelever from Sri Lanka who spent over a decade in institutional care. She holds a degree in journalism, advertising and mass communication from NIILM University in India, along with additional qualifications in criminal investigation, psychology, and social sciences. She has worked as a skill photographer and costume designer for the Indian film Dreams in 2013. Namali has represented Sri Lanka as a speaker at numerous international conferences, including those focused on child protection and women’s rights in Nepal in 2017 and the Baikon International Conference in India in 2018 and 21, in Nepal in 2023, and in Malaysia this past year. Recently, Namali also spoke at the 35th Vice International Conference in Croatia in 2024. That same year, Namali was honoured as a young changemaker by the UN Ambassador and Neon Media. She is an active member of the Global Care Leavers Committee and a member of Care Leaders Council. She represented South Asian care leavers in the UN Resolution Focus Group in 2019. She completed a justice-based approach foundation course at United Edge in the USA in 2021. Since 2021, Namali has appeared on various TV programs discussing her life experiences and has become a social media influencer. Drawing on her lived experience, she is a passionate advocate for children’s rights and alternative care. Namali’s work focuses on reuniting orphaned children with their families and ensuring that they have access to education and employment opportunities. She worked for one of the largest NGOs, Savadaya, for 10 years and later for the Egyptian Embassy. Currently, she is employed at Their Future Together in both the UK and Sri Lanka. She is registered as an alternative family and foster care manager and leads the foster care program, ensuring that children grow up in safe, loving families. Inspired by her own 15 years in orphanages, Namali co-founded the Asia First Care Leavers Network, Generation Never Give Up, in 2017. She also co-founded and currently works as director of Rise Together Care Leavers Leading Network. Recently, Namali launched her autobiography, The Caged Girl, A Journey to Justice, which translates into Sinala as Dumburu Pathuk. Welcome Nimali.

Nimmu: 5:26

Thank you so much.

Colby: 5:28

I think a few times in there I ran out of breath. So such a long and impressive bio. I was very keen to present it all. But uh the longer they are, the greater the opportunity for me to get my tongue in the way and and mispronounce things. So fortunately I can edit some of that out. So Namali, you did ask me, you did say to me that you prefer to be called Nimu, and I’ll have to remember that. Apologies if I do call you Namali again through the through the podcast. But Nimu, you are my first guest on the Secure Start podcast from Sri Lanka. Um I’m wondering if in the first instance, if you could tell us a little bit about the out-of-home care system in Sri Lanka.

Nimmu: 6:20

Okay, thank you so much, and I’m really happy to be here. So I will directly go into the answer. So, what I really feel like uh the system aftercare of the children who are leaving of the children’s homes. So currently we have 3563 children’s homes in Sri Lanka, so more than 9,191 children are residents in there. So uh I was uh uh a child who uh I think uh before 20 years, I was a child in child development centers because we are calling child development centers, not the CCI, like a child care institution. We are calling as a CDC. So in our CDCs, there is a system like um we after we uh turn out to 18, that’s we have to live. Uh I think it’s the global things that’s happening. But uh when it comes to Sri Lanka perspective, like uh for in our 12th, grade 12th means it’s a 13 years after study, uh we will reach out to 19, our age will be 19. So there the CDCs, CCI, which you are expecting, like they are not asking us to leave. If we are studying, they are not asking us to leave, and until 19 or 20, uh, if we are studying, that we can stay there. So after care, like when we leave, sometimes it can be after 15 years, sometimes it can be after 18 years or 19 years, because the 15 years is the age that the Sri Lankan children who set for the first ordinary level examination. Most of the children who are get past marks, they can sit for the another advanced level examination. Those who can’t afford for get them higher marks for that education system, they must leave the CDC. Because they are not uh most of the children are not getting the second chance to appear, second appear, which I got, but some institutions they are not getting the chance to do. So it means like most of the time, the 15 years or 16 years or so the age that the children are leaving the childcare institution. So when it’s come to uh aftercare, so there is no actually when I was there, so there were no actually the proper system to go out and have like not proper preparation for them, like a psychological support or financial uh training, or it can be like any vocational training. So it was not happened earlier, but currently, which is happening, like it’s already happening here currently. But the thing was that when I was there, there were no much um awareness on that how we can how we should go outside and how we should uh like uh deal with the people in the society because we just depended when we were in the child development centers. So we are hoping that someone will take care of us after we go out of the care. So it was the earlier system that uh children you must leave after 18 or after 19 or after 15 once they have done completed their education. So it can be the way that government is supporting to the uh youth, uh finding a job opportunities, or sometimes they used to get married, or sometimes they used to get like a vocational training, but where there are hostel facilities. The thing is that I was really wondering since that, like are they really going for their interesting because sometimes they like they would like to be uh become a uh a fashionable designer, but there will be uh courses uh only they are having the hostel facility, it’s gonna be the nurse, so they have to uh take out their dreams out and they should go there. So it’s something like that is happening, and uh the current time it’s uh we will speak in later, so it’s definitely changes, but the thing was that earlier it was like there were no proper system to go out, and that was the um aftercare uh aftercare things that what happened in Sri Lanka.

Colby: 10:12

Yeah, yeah. So you’ve got um the perspective of when you were in care um some years ago and and you you’re working in the care sector now. While you were speaking, I was just wondering was there a mix of development centers and foster care or foster home, or or was were children in care primarily in those development centers?

Nimmu: 10:37

Yeah, we we we have only this uh because we are not implementing foster care system now, it’s it’s still in Sri Lanka. So we have only child development centers, adaptation. So as an alternative, we have adoption and child development centers and the kinship care. So first is not still there, but uh currently it’s uh like in the on the process.

Colby: 10:56

In the process, yeah. And I I I nearly did the maths in my head and and gave it up pretty quickly. But um, what would you say is the kind of average number of children who are in each development center?

Nimmu: 11:12

Uh most of the time, some child development centers they have 22, 25.

Colby: 11:18

Yep.

Nimmu: 11:18

So we have the separation, like uh for girls there is separation, one for boys there’s a separation. So from these three, five, six uh children’s homes, there are 43 government-run child development centers. Others all are from the volunteer organization than NGOs.

Colby: 11:33

Yeah, yeah. And in the current system, what what do you think works well in Sri Lanka, the current out-of-home care system?

Nimmu: 11:44

Yeah, I’m so happy uh to share that uh uh as you know that uh the children who are leaving the child development centers, they really need the two uh place to stay. The housing issues, education support, and also the psychological support, uh, the financial support, these are the things that really uh want for the after care support as aftercare support. So, what currently uh the Sri Lankan government has taken uh forward to include the care leavers, we are calling as the carelivers. So include the care levers into their budget, and they have been taken forward to support the carelivers, like example, uh they are given two million per care lever, so it means the thousand to the thousand care levers to build a house or purchase a house or uh uh do uh uh like uh purchase a land or uh to rebuild their houses and all damages houses and all. So the government are paying two million rupees per car lever. So the system uh it’s going on, like the selecting the car leavers and uh uh getting the information of the carelivers that everything is currently happened, and also they are supporting for the children who are living in CDC uh the with the 5,000 Sri Lankan rupees, which goes direct to the uh child’s accounts, so it will be 2,000 for child’s account and 3,000 for their uh dairy expenses and all. So these things is currently happening, and also apart from that, uh the government is trying to implement an other alternative care options uh the other than the children’s going into the institutional care.

Colby: 13:18

I hope I heard you right. But did you say that the government that the government grant of 2 million rupees is that sufficient to buy a house or is it sufficient to um put down a deposit to buy a house as such?Nimmu: 13:36

Uh for me, like uh the children who like uh for the car leavers, uh they always try to uh uh have in their own homes. They they it’s something like to me also, I also want to have a kind of a home, my own house. So the car levers are really happy on that. And uh, but the thing is that we leave that uh work properly because there are systems like there are criteria that select in the car livers, like uh age uh 18 to 30, 18 to 40 years. But the thing was that I have heard like after even after 40 years, even 40 to 45 years, they don’t have any place to stay and all. So they are asking for that. Uh why we are not getting uh support and all. So I think that the equality is really uh not happening there.

Colby: 14:27

So we had a little bit of a technical issue there, but um, I was interested in the generosity of the Sri Lankan government to to offer those grants to carelivers that effectively give them an opportunity to have a have a home. And um I just wonder, Nimu, before we move on, um what what is the what’s it like for children growing up in the development centers there in Sri Lanka?

Nimmu: 14:58

Uh it’s totally different when I was the child development centers because it was almost 20 years back, the story, like more than 15 years. So uh the situation is uh really increasing uh with a positive way, to be honest, because uh uh the things that uh things and the uh most opportunities the children are getting in child development centers are uh getting increased. Like uh when we were in there, like there were no much proper awareness, or there were not uh kind of uh uh training or something, so it was not there much properly, but now they are have they are having kind of a care plan for the children, and there is there are also uh a lot of opportunities, the fun activities, and there are a lot of uh picnics going on. So uh all the people used to get understand about the children who are living in CDCs. To be honest, that when we were there, so most of the time people used to talk about like talk about us like uh orphan girls, orphan children, and all. But the word of orphan using in Sri Lanka, some people are using, but most of the people know that they are not the orphan. So these things are also uh differently in Sri Lanka, and apart from that, the children living in CCI, everyone is attending the schools and everyone is getting support for the education system, and those who are not uh ready to take forward the formal education, most of them are getting the informal education within the center until the court uh get the decision, until the court gives the decision to go them on out of the care out of the care. So these are the things that what’s going on uh currently in the CDC.

Colby: 16:39

You said that the children don’t identify uh or aren’t identified as being orphans any longer. Um what what do you think, how do you think that change is experienced by the children? How do they experience that?

Nimmu: 16:56

Yeah, you know, like uh with the uh like uh when there are a lot of group of children, group of friends of mine that uh sometimes if they call me as uh like my children’s home’s name, not with my name, but they are calling as a child that who are grow uh with our name of our institution. So that feels called and feel really painful, but at that time it was just uh just a word, but when we grow up, we that trauma is triggering, like we feel like oh they they didn’t talk about from my name, they just talk about with my institution name. So this is something really painful thing for the children who are living in centers, and also uh the most most probably what I can see the difference is like uh the current in the current situation in Sri Lanka, the most of the uh teachers in the schools are young, so uh most of the young group they’re really close with the children, so that means they are getting uh much uh closer to the children who are living in the CCI, and there is no any uh like a discrimination between the children who are coming out from coming from the home and coming from the CDCs. So, because of this case, uh the children are living happily in the school, but in somehow there there might be, and I know that there are a little bit of um things is happening, thing incidents is going happening, uh, that still uh the children are getting that name as often, sometimes because every children in the CDCs is not um uh well uh trying to well get well education because they are some most of the children they don’t like to get uh formal education, they want to go uh go outside and they want to earn money and they want to be in the independent. So and the thing is also as I mentioned that earlier when I was there, it was actually uh the orphan children was there, like there is no one to care, no visitation, no one to see. But currently 79% of uh children they have the parents, at least a single parent, at least one mother of parents. So they want to go outside not to be in the CDCs, and they they they feel like they have the family, but then why I am in the CDC? So they are not trying to get their education, they just want to escape from CDC and work and join with the family. So the main thing I think that that’s the things, and um the taking of the positive or negative the things that whatever the people are saying to the children in CDCs, it’s depend on their mentality, like the children’s mentality. Like uh the children who are actually totally open, they understood that yeah, yeah, that’s totally fine. Whatever they say, that’s totally fine. I’m okay, I’m okay. The children who are coming out, uh come into the system currently they know that they have parents and why I’m getting I should wear as uh like a bully as orphan. So this is a generation cap pose.

Colby: 19:54

When I was listening to you, I just thought, was thinking to myself how about how strong that uh pull to that that pull is or that tie is to to family for the children growing up and and how how much, you know, regardless I guess of the circumstances that led to them coming into a children’s development centre, in their heart they want to be back with family. Yeah. And do you think um do child do the children feel safe and uh well cared for and loved in the development centers these days, would you say?

Nimmu: 20:39

This is something uh difficult question because I grew up in three child development centers. The reason for that, like in my first child development centers, I have been uh named as the radical character in the center. So, with that case, uh sometimes I got uh rude uh uh behavior from the uh matron. But I know that because we used to meet the child development, various child development centers, uh friends together when it is World Children’s Day. So once a year, all the province uh children will be coming together, and so we used to share our experiences sometimes, like how we see our CDC, because we know that if we did something, so we will be transferred to the another side development center, so we should have keep connected with them. So we used to share our experience and all. So sometimes I heard that when my when it was my eighth time that I was heard that they have beaten sometimes, they used to do so much of work and they have to do do uh sometimes they are using for their personal things and all. So they have a lot of things is going on. But when it comes to children to get to know about their rights and they they get to know about their uh protection, they should uh what what what’s their rights and all? So they used to fight it out. So it’s uh become like uh some incidence has become uh uh the the decrease a decrease in the incidence. With the bad uh bad incidents. But currently there is a proper maintenance system. So but still, I’m saying that still there are some child development centers. The children are getting um badly treated. But most pro mostly, most of the children’s homes are going well and the treated well because now they are hiring the matrons, not the matrons, the mothers. So means like the love is the main thing to change the children’s life in child CDC. So I can go, I can definitely say there’s a both the side. The negative thing is happening, positive things also happening. So it’s everywhere is that, but the thing is that how much it’s affected the children’s mind.

Colby: 22:44

I do want to ask you about that in a moment, but I just wanted to confirm it’s my ob my observation listening to you that um there has been a lot of progress in with in terms of um um the experience of of children who are cared for in the development centers even over the last 15 years since you you were there.

Nimmu: 23:09

Yeah, that’s definitely true. It’s totally has been totally different. Like they to be honest, like example, uh when I was in CCI, it was the time that I have to be appear in the court so many times, the per year, at least two to three times. Even I have to try uh go with the police officers and with the prison bus and all, but now it’s already uh change, like they are having the video recording room, so there will be only one time uh they’re asking for the evidence, and then there are officially they have a vehicle to travel, uh uh take here and there with the children. So everything has been changed. That’s really fine because I uh as a person that who grew up in there, that I definitely want to see everything is growing up, not the things that uh should have same thing happen should not happen, but I was experienced.

Colby: 23:56

What what has driven that change, Nimu? What what has kind of um been some really uh influential factors in in driving this improvement in development centers?

Nimmu: 24:12

Yeah, to be honest, like uh the ex as I mentioned that the experience, what I have gained as a negative side, I’d never wanted to give it to the other, my other generation. That I know that we are trying to do like uh decrease the number of the children’s uh child development centers in Sri Lanka or in everywhere. I think everyone used to uh everyone is thinking on that, but I’m pretty sure that it’s not going to be happening like at least there will be at least there will be uh less number of children’s homes there, definitely, because we can’t totally uh get destroyed all the uh child development centers because uh there are a lot of children who really support those who need this kind of shelter because I either we get uh negative positive parts, or there are things that the children can be get educated within the centers, so it should be those who can’t really go for the uh kinship care or the adoption or um to the foster care or anywhere, so there should be a place to stay. So I think uh what I was interested mostly uh to protect the children who come into the child development centers because I don’t want children to come in into child development centers, and I just want to strengthen family strengthening because they everything is go coming and everything is happening within the family. So if we can strengthen families so we can do the awareness in the family, if we can support the family, it can be the financial, it can be the economics, it can be the uh like uh kind of uh uh so there can be various situations, like most probably in Sri Lanka now divorce cases has been increased. So the effect on the divorce case uh going to the children. So the par both the parents are not okay to take the child on their custody, so they are going to the child development center. So I think these incidents, this kind of topic that uh influenced me to go out and talk about these things. That yeah, and uh as Asian country, you know that we are very close to the family members, like the parents and all. We culturally we are connected to each other. So the most touched part is that if we can touch the heart of the parents, that it can be uh they can be together as a family. So, what I am doing currently as in getting to that, and I’m currently doing the the things that I feel like this is the best thing that doing the awareness and talking about my stories and sharing my stories, and then asking them not to send child into the child development center. Keep as much as you can with yourself.

Colby: 26:46

Yeah. If I can summarize, um advocacy by people like yourself has has been a real driver for change. You’ve been advocating for maintaining family connection and strengthening families. The preference is not for children to go into development centres, but the reality is that there will always be children who uh need to be in a development centre. Yeah. There will always need to be development centres. So I guess the challenge is to um advocate for the best possible care while the young people are there in those development centres. There will always be children in a residential care environment, and what we need to do is one, recognize that for some children that is the best place for them to be for a period of time, and two, ensure that they have the best care possible while they’re there.

Nimmu: 27:48

That’s definitely true. I also feel like uh uh the either it’s a family, either it’s a child development center, either it’s an adoption, or any other forms of like a post-op kinship. Where is the best place for the children? Children should be there.

Colby: 28:04

Yep, absolutely. And and so the children’s placement should not be determined by what the system can manage. It it should be determined by what is what is in the best interest of the child. And we need so we need care options. The system or the out-of-home care system always needs options for children and young people. Another thing you mentioned in there was um talking about leaving care and issues around psychological support. This is something actually that I’m that is very close to my heart at the moment because I work uh primarily as a psychotherapist with children and young people, most of whom are in out-of-home care. And each year some of them turn 18 and leave care. And so that support that they had that was funded by the local child protection authorities for me to work with them comes to an end, and we have to find other avenues to maintain that support, um, which aren’t not always the same. So I think I was just wondering, you you raised it in in Sri Lanka. What would you say is the kind of cycle the psychological support or psychosocial support that is on offer to children in care? And then what what does happen to them when to that when they do transition from care?

Nimmu: 29:38

Yeah, uh, this is something really important thing because uh uh the either they are tour children in the child development centers, their psychologically, their mentally, they are totally different for each one to each other. So within this uh period of time when they are in CCI, uh CDCs, and uh they they are getting counselor support, like uh where but the thing is that is that really on time because sometimes when they get aggressive, they used to call for the counselor, and that time they will be uh that uh time uh very comfort level to her, but after that, might be in the two to three months or four four months, they come visit and again. So I don’t know uh is that the the uh uh best things to do the counseling for the children because every children is coming from the traumatic family, some because some most most of the some sometimes can be the domestic violence family and also their aggressive behavior because of that case. So it’s not should be the counseling and psychological support only for the children who are living in CDC, also for the matrons, also for the caregivers should be there. Other than like like I think like um if we only give the psychological support to the children who are living in CDCs, uh it’s not going to be work. So when it comes to the uh aftercare, like uh leaving the care of the children, so if you if they are not prepared, like the mental is not prepared uh to go out, most of the children they are not prepared. Look at like when you are in the 15 years of your age, you are celebrating your birthday very uh happy, might be very happy. But the children who are living in CDCs, when they come to 15, they are just thinking that not their birthday to where I will go after three years, where I will go after one year. So that’s the starting point of their uh mentality going down. I feel like at the age of 15, there should be psychological support, there should be mentally prepared them already to go outside. And I think it’s not wait until the 15 years of old, but the counselor or psycho psychiatric or psychological support can give before the 15 years, and they there can be start the preparation for the children to go out, so then they know that how to uh deal with the people, how to stay in their by own their own feet, and they know how to uh deal with any kind of people and everything. So I have seen some organizations in Sri Lanka kind of emerge or so. They are little kind of organizations that they are giving support, especially uh the self-defense, as to the girls, especially. Because uh you know that when we go outside in the because when we even series, the children are not getting exposed to the outside society, especially for going on the bus, going into the market, going to the bank or anything. So without knowing anything, that when they go outside, so if someone is like jagging their in the bus, they got afraid, they are not raised their voice. But if they learn how to defend on that, so it will not uh make them uh like uh uncomfortable because even that small thing also uh can be effective to their mentality. So I think before go out, these all the children, there should be proper psychiatric support, psychiatric, uh even the mentality, make especially to make their mentality uh think that yes, I am now ready, I am okay to go outside. Uh, that’s the definite thing because you know, like most of the children who are going out of the care they don’t have proper birth certificate, they don’t have proper identification, they don’t have a proper place to stay. So there are a lot of things that should be prepared and go outside, otherwise, they are going to be definitely again going to be the uh helpless children.

Colby: 33:29

Yeah, so I I guess what I’m hearing is that um one important aspect of the out-of-home care sector that could be improved is is the psychological support for the children, uh including supporting their psychological readiness to transition from the CDCs into independence. And um I thought w when you were mentioning it earlier that you said something about that that reflected that um when they leave whatever support that was offered just comes to an end or or or um uh diminishes in some way. Is that was I right in understanding that that that that it’s not only that you have to move on from home and you and you and you’re moving on from formal education perhaps, um, but you’re also moving on and you’re you’re moving on from the ha the people that you’ve been living with, but you also uh move move on from or move away from mental health supports for that that help with the preparation for independence. Is that right?

Nimmu: 34:41

Yeah, to be honest, uh for me, like uh when I got uh uh failed in my first exam, attempt of my first attempt of my examination, I was thinking that then now I have to go wherever that they are uh they are telling, but it was not happened. They are asking me to do the repeat examination and then I do did it and I get the pass. So I think the best decision that they have taken is giving me second second chance. So it was a turning point. Then I was moving to the advanced level examination and then I got this scholarship to study in India. So until this period, that I was in the same time, I was happy many times in the courts. So it was really damaging my mind, like thinking that no matter that how much I studied, that I have to be in the court, I have to repeat my cases, which I was it’s really traumatic things. So I was not mentally uh totally uh like uh recover. To be honest, when I writing my um bio autobiography, it stood more than four years to write down because it was almost all the flashback is coming to my mind. So I I I was I wanted to get the psychological support for that while I’m writing this story. So you know that how much it’s hard to remind my childhood memories when I was in um my home, my own biological family. So I think what I got uh through the people that who are surrounding me, it’s uh not 100% the car leavers, to be honest, it’s the teachers most of the time, and also the people who are really um uh supporting me uh and supporting the children who are living in CC that those supporters give me the strength to go out. So, also I think uh my strength was uh especially getting through my uh flashback incidents. Whatever the bad things happen to me, I have taken it as a positive points to go out. So I’m sharing like this my stories to each and everyone. But the thing is that every girls who have this kind of strength they can go out, but those who can’t go out, those who can’t get this strength, who will be looking after them? So it’s better to be the voice for that those kind of voiceless children. So that’s why I think that uh I’m kind of I I I feel like I’m kind of a candle to me. So I’m burning myself, but I’m supporting for others. That’s something that I feel like about myself. But that’s totally fine because uh either I am uh psychologically not uh fully recovered or mentally full not fully recovered. That uh if something’s not happened to the child, same thing happened to me, that’s really something I can be fresh and I can be happy. So it’s make me heal uh when I see someone same uh someone uh going into different ways and they can find their life. So it’s something that I feel uh I’m getting healed to myself.

Colby: 37:47

Yeah, yeah. So um that’s lovely. What I what I’m hearing is that um part of the healing process for you has been purpose, has been the the purpose that you have in your life to uh advocate for and on behalf of other young people young people in care whose voice isn’t often heard. And when you see when you see good outcomes of that uh uh of that advocacy and that support, that that really boosts your own uh well-being. You mentioned earlier that you think that um not only should the children and young people receive support, but also the people who look after them, the teachers, the the the mums in the homes and so on. Um That’s it’s interesting. We’re not because I’ve sp over the last year I’ve spoken to um people from around the world who are involved in um um the provision of residential care for children and young people. And um one of the consistent themes is the need for um for therapeutic input or for input with the people who look after the children and who interact with them uh a lot. And some of that is is about just is about support. It’s also about um support for them, but it’s also about helping them to have a better understanding of the young people in their care and of how to uh care for them uh in the in the most therapeutic way. Just wondering if that that was what you were uh kind of uh suggesting or or or representing when you when you mention support, not only for the children, but also for the adults around them.

Nimmu: 39:48

Yeah, that’s true. Like for me, like I think like uh there should be uh children who so also must be ready to take this uh uh support from outside people because most of sometimes some children they’re really afraid to open up and they’re really afraid to talk about uh with the outside people, especially. Uh, because children who are in the centers they lost their trust with their own biological family members, so they are thinking about how to uh get how to believe other people. So I think um the people who are going into the CDC and the people who are really wanting to support uh with the psychological support of the children, I think they should understand the mind of the children, and before they should study the children’s and then they can uh reach out because most of the children are not uh going to uh hear everything, whatever the psychological support are given. So sometimes they might be they’re interested in getting kind of activities and they might be getting kind of uh I think video recording or something. They they they like to have kind of it’s kind of a cartoon type. There are a lot of ways. Uh so like example, like when I was um even the 25ers, uh, my uh one of my uh working places, they have me, they they thought that I want a psychiatric support because I used to get angry all the time. So they just sent me into the psychiatric, and she was asked that uh uh I wonder that you are really young, then uh how you why you are getting angry, and also then I told that I’m the one who’s uh really want to have this justice for each and everyone. So when there is injustice, I used to get angry, so that’s a normal thing. But uh psychiatric was asking me to get the treatment like tablets, taking tablets. So that’s not the thing that for me, like within the first day they asked if they ask him for the take the tablets, that’s time also I’m getting angry. So I think it’s better to understand and uh having kind of a uh pre uh getting pre-information about the children that before they go for the logical support. That’s really important thing, I think.

Colby: 41:54

Yeah, I think what you’re uh part of what you’re also saying, and which others have mentioned it before, is that um um you don’t have to well, in fact, one of my previous guests, Megan Corcran, said you don’t have to be a therapist to uh provide a therapeutic experience for a child.

Nimmu: 42:16

Most of the yeah, because most of the children who are leaving the CDC, they they are not 100% need of the psychological support. They really need the kind kindness, attention, and the love and care.

Colby: 42:27

Yeah.

Nimmu: 42:28

If you can give these four things, they’re definitely automatically they will be mentally healed.

Colby: 42:33

Yeah, yeah. Now I know a great passion of yours is is is the careless like yourself. Um, what what is what’s the current situation? Um, you’ve mentioned uh the grants, the grants that they get to to purchase land or purchase a house and kind of set themselves up. Um what what other support uh systems and organizations are in place for carelivers now in in Sri Lanka?

Nimmu: 43:03

Yeah, for the carelivers like uh myself from 2017, we started and co-founded this care leavers network of generation never gives us. So we are as the care levers, we are supporting for the carelivers uh to finding out uh job opportunities and we are giving the psychological support through and the legal support and higher education support and everything. We are just as a group, we are supporting. So we have in the GNG network more than 500 care levers already registered. And in the same time, on 2025, I have been um started and co-founded uh another care lever’s network, which is fully focused uh with the psych uh with the um job opportunities, finding the job opportunities for the care levers. That’s the same thing, and the trusted place and the hostel facilities and everything. So we are 15 children uh care leavers who came together and built up this network. Uh, and we are on the way, we are just calling each and every companies, and we are getting their Vacancies and we are just giving to the preparation department, and we are uh placed the child into the uh job opportunities after 18 or 19. So these are the things that as a carelavers, what we are doing. So apart from that, there are a few NGOs in Sri Lanka, few CSOs in Sri Lanka that they are taking the care of the children, so like caregivers, they are giving the facilities for the carelivers to stay there until they get independent and all. So we also have a kind of a uh plan to uh build a transistent uh home. It’s kind of a home, not a hostel, transistent hostel, like uh to stay there until they get find out uh the best place to go. Uh like uh once they are started their uh career, they can pay to their place where they are, and then we can uh spend that money to another child who comes coming into this uh coming out from the system. So we am planning kind of a build up the this transition home. So there will be facilitation for all the carelivers that it’s not kind of a against, it’s kind of a home for them. They can stay there and they can go for the work, they can go for the universities to the studies and everything, and they can come back because now they can think that oh now they are I have a place to come back. So they they can come there and while they are earning, they can pay for the light bills, the water bills, and electricity, everything they can pay by their safe, and in the same time, we are hoping to give the uh them IT knowledge and the uh reading skill and life skill and the yoga therapy. This everything we are just having kind of in our mind, and now we are having also so the proposals, these items, and we are making the proposal and we are trying to get with the funds, and then we will start this process also for the car levers. It’s for the car leavers from care levers. So, this is also something what we are doing. So, apart from that, yes, the government is now focusing on that the care levers support for the car leavers, especially. Uh, the uh they are going to address the about the documentation issues because most of the car levers they have probable age certificate other than national birth certificate. So, probable age certificate is there is a lot of blank, they don’t have any birthday, they have only the birth year, so which really affect the mentality of the child in in uh after the leave. Also, most of the care leavers they don’t have identity, like they don’t have vote to the uh like in the elections because uh they don’t have proper ID in the their identity car where they have put in address, they don’t have home to put in address. So these issues are also going to be addressed soon within the government system. Now there is a discussion is ongoing. So I’m happy as a care leavers in Sri Lanka, we are really strong and we are used to government level, we are used to in the uh like a private sectors in GOS and INGO. So we are dealing with all of them. Uh so we we expect that the children who are coming out of the system in recently in the after after 2010, yeah, uh I came as of 2010. So I think after 2010, when 2017, as we uh started this advocacy, I think it has changed a lot, and uh there are a lot to change, and also I feel like for most of the care levers uh really happy to support for each car leavers, each other leavers, not the national level, so international level also we are raised this sub-advocacy work, and we are getting support from the people and we seek continuous support because uh there are a lot of children who uh lost their education, higher education without the financial support. So, as a car lever, by myself, I used to have find uh so many donors and all, and I just give this uh child information, and they used to get uh appoint in the schools and uh sorry, education in the universities. So there are there are a lot of children who get support from me. It’s not actually my money because I’m not a kind of a person who rich with money, but I personally believe that I can support them with other people’s uh around me. So there are a lot of children who are studying in the university with our support. So I’m proud of that of that, and also I’m proud that as a careliver, so now there are a lot of carelivers come out and they are speaking about their rights and whatever they want. So it started with actually myself that I have been speaking about my whole story, so with through my autobiography and also through social media and the TV channels and everything. So people get to know about most of the people they don’t know that the children who are living in CDC should leave after 18 years. So the question what I was asking the uh uh interviewer, I was used to asked that either you ever ask your child to go out when they turn out 18. If not, why the children who are living in CDC should go out. I because they even they don’t have anyone to care. So if they go out, also there should be continuous support at least until they stand by their own feet. Because the children are uh like everyone is thinking that children are the future of their country. So it’s they should be careful about that. I think it’s happening now, and I think that there should be more more because we we always think that more is more we need, no. So I think uh it should be happened more and more, and I believe that the children who are coming out of the system, the problems that we what we have faced, it will be not happened to them very soon.

Colby: 49:28

That’s inspirational. And um as you were talking, I was just I was thinking about carelivers even here in my own local jurisdiction, and um um I do have some plans. I’m going to re um I’m not talking about them until uh after I’m a little bit further along, but um let’s just say I I’m similarly concerned in my own jurisdiction about certain aspects of of the ongoing care and support that that get lost when they turn 18. And as you as you say, we wouldn’t we don’t normally expect children to be independent, whether they’re in a Western country or an Asian country uh like there in Sri Lanka. We we we don’t expect our children to be out standing on their own two feet independently at 18, and especially when they when when they’ve had troubles in their life um uh as as they’ve grown up. So I tell you what, it sounds fantastic and uh like you’ve achieved a lot. And I guess there would be listeners to this podcast who would be thinking, if only we could get namali to come and advocate in our country, or or if only we could bottle what what she bottle up what she’s been able to uh achieve and uh and kind of have that here in in our country. So um there are examples around the world where carelaver support is really good, but there’s a lot of examples where it’s it’s not in so-called first world countries.

Nimmu: 51:12

Yeah, no, I I mean like that’s true because I used to meet um so many countries, care leavers, and we I we used to have a chat and we used to have kind of a cafe and we used to have a discussion about what’s ongoing in their country, what’s going on our country, so it’s can’t be Western or European or in the Asian. So we are coming together. So it’s really something like um I feel like the most of the care leavers in the all of the country, all of the like globally, now they are getting really strength to come out and talk about. I think the attitude is getting uh really positive because the change in the mind of the peoples, the attitude of the people is a really difficult thing, you know, every country is so. But I think that uh when coming not coming as a one person, it’s coming as a group, it’s really a lot of effect. So I think that as a global Kalivers, I I’m one of a member of the Global Calibur’s Committee and National Kalivers Committee. So we always talking about these issues and we are taking all uh this into the advocacy world. And now I feel like the topic is Kalivers is going uh beyond than other topics. So it’s really something really great thing because uh now people know that what system is happening, what’s not happening, and what should be done. But it’s really something really great that we care came out.

Colby: 52:28

Yeah. And and what what is happening is that um the voice of children who previously, children and young people who previously didn’t have a voice, is being heard. And it really takes um it takes people like you. I think you described yourself um as some something of a disruptor as you were growing up in in the home that you were in. Uh it takes someone like you, I think, who’s got a bit of a bit of drive and a bit of strength and even a bit of and and passion for fairness, for for the rights of of young people um who uses their voice to to um create change and be a change maker.

Nimmu: 53:13

So what’s definitely true?

Colby: 53:15

Yeah, yeah.

Nimmu: 53:16

I also just want to those people who really wanted to see about the what the system is doing and what’s really happened and what’s ongoing and how I became kind of an advocate, uh, they can definitely read my book, whatever I can fit in Amazon also, so people can read it out, and then they can really understand more and more that because uh there are a lot of things that what I didn’t speak out, but everything is in my book.

Colby: 53:41

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, and that was a deliberate plan for me. I I don’t I I didn’t want you to relive your your whole history here uh on the podcast, but yeah. Thanks. Thank you again, Nimu, for for coming on, and uh I look forward to hearing more uh in the years ahead about the accomplishments that you um that you have and and that your networks have in this in this space.

Nimmu: 54:11

Thank you so much for inviting me. So, because uh at last I want to say that um people like you that’s taking this kind of topic in out that’s really make different for without you knowing that you are making the so much of uh positive impact for the children who are leaving the child development centers. Because uh, if at least one single person who listened to you are one, so they will understand that what’s really going on. So that’s the things that we don’t want like a thousand or two thousand people to get involved, but at least a single person to get uh involved and move forward, that’s really important thing for us. So, thank you for taking us and thank you for giving that much honors for the car leavers uh to invite for your broadcast. It’s really mean to us, and I will be the only uh one person who is there today, but there are a lot of care leavers who stand there by their own feet and living very happily their life. So I I bit uh so I wish that all the car leavers will be definitely uh get healed from their traumatic life, and they will be definitely be happy and talk uh in front of Mike or in front of uh everyone is not should not talk in front of my by Mike, but within their life, they will be definitely happy with the people’s support like you. Thank you so much for inviting this podcast.

Colby: 55:33

Thank you.

More about Nimmu:

Affectionately known as Nimmu, Nimali is a care leaver from Sri Lanka who spent over a decade in institutional care. She holds a degree in Journalism, Advertising, and Mass Communication from NIILM University in India, along with additional qualifications in criminal investigation, psychology, and social sciences. She has worked as a still photographer and costume designer for the Indian film DREAMZ in 2013.

Nimali has represented Sri Lanka as a speaker at numerous international conferences, including  those focused on child protection and women’s rights in Nepal (2017), and the BICON International Conference in India in 2018 and 2021, in Nepal in 2023, and Malaysia in 2025. Recently, Nimali spoke at the 35th FICE International Conference in Croatia (2024).

In 2024, Nimali was honoured as a Young Change-Maker by the UN Ambassador and Neon Media. She is an active member of the Global Care Leavers Committee and member of the Care Leaders Council. She represented South Asian care leavers in the UN Resolution Focused Group (2019). She completed the Justice-Based Approach Foundation Course at United Edge, USA (2021).

Since 2021, Nimali has appeared on various TV programs discussing her life experiences and has become a social media influencer. Drawing from her lived experiences, she is a passionate advocate for children’s rights and alternative care. 

Nimali’s work focuses on reuniting orphaned children with their families and ensuring they have access to education and employment opportunities. She worked for one of the largest NGOs, Sarvodaya, for 10 years and later for the Egyptian Embassy. Currently, she is employed at Their Future Today in both the UK and Sri Lanka, is registered as an Alternative family and foster care manager, and leads the foster care program, ensuring that children grow up in safe, loving families.

Inspired by her own 15 years in orphanages, Nimali co-founded the Asian First Care Leavers 

Network, Generation Never Give Up, in 2017. She also cofounded and currently works as Director of Rise Together Care Leavers leading network. 

Nimali recently launched her autobiography ‘The Caged Girl: A Journey To justice’’ & 

‘’Dumburu Pathok ‘’ in Sinhala.

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Links:

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Podcast Blog Site: https://thesecurestartpodcast.com/
Secure Start Site: https://securestart.com.au/

Disclaimer:

Information reported by guests of this podcast is assumed to be accurate as stated. Podcast owner Colby Pearce is not responsible for any error of facts presented by podcast guests. In addition, unless otherwise specified, opinions expressed by guests of this podcast may not reflect those of the podcast owner, Colby Pearce. Finally, all references to case examples are anonymised to the extent that the actual case could not be identified, or are fictional but based on real-life examples for illustrative purposes.

Truth First: Caring Beyond The System – A Podcast interview with Louise Allen

Louise Allen shares powerful insights into care leaver voice, identity, belonging and systemic reform. We discuss trauma, hope, and what genuinely improves outcomes for young people after care. Authentic, challenging and full of lived-experience wisdom.

Truth First: Caring Beyond The System

The conversation opens with a quiet kind of fire: a creative child who became an adult unwilling to walk past injustice. Louise Allen traces how identity is broken and remade in the care system, starting with forced adoption, secrecy, and prejudice that rewrites a child’s story before they can speak. She points to a simple principle that echoes through trauma research and everyday life: children read faces, not forms. A warm gaze, a steady presence, and a smile that means it are more powerful than any policy. The difference between being documented and being seen is the difference between surviving and becoming. In a sector addicted to paperwork, she asks us to put dignity back into each line of text and each moment of care.

What lands hardest is her insistence on truth. She names the layers of dishonesty that creep in: parents threatened by services, children protecting parents, foster carers fearing allegations, and professionals guarding their positions. The result is a record that often fails the child. Louise reframes practice with human clarity: say the answer the child is carrying, not another question they have to endure. Put a photo of the child in meetings so adults remember who is missing from the room. Write logs to the child, not about the child, because they will read them. These are not soft gestures; they are structural fixes for a culture that forgets its purpose. Dignity, not detail, is the bedrock of therapeutic care.

Louise’s stories about dogs bring the science of attachment to life. Contact comfort beats cold compliance. A dog that curls up on a lap or cries for help at the right moment can lower arousal, interrupt self-harm, and offer non-judgmental presence that many adults struggle to sustain. She’s seen dogs act as quiet co-therapists, sensing when to stay, when to get help, and when to simply be warm and heavy in a child’s arms. This is Harlow’s lesson without the lab: safety is felt, not filed. If schools and services greeted young people with genuine warmth, many refusals and ruptures would soften before they harden. Body language, tone, and welcome matter. Train for them.

Her writing life started with a “misery memoir” she wasn’t allowed to make funny, then expanded into the Thrown Away Children series that tells real stories with grit and humour. She writes for foster carers too, because the role is treated like domestic labour while demanding clinical-level skill. Minimum standards won’t raise outcomes; maximum care does. That means training that respects complexity, contracts that recognise the work, and leaders who listen to those doing the night shifts. Foster care isn’t babysitting; it’s relational craftsmanship under pressure. When carers are silenced, children lose.

Spark Sisterhood began with a bag of groceries and red velvet cakes delivered to girls who had just left residential care. The “cliff edge” was brutal: isolation, inconsistent allowances, addictions funded in placement and unfunded after, fear of leaving the flat, no routine, no trust. Spark’s answer is practical and kind: life skills, first aid, real cooking, self-defence, image confidence, employment law, and a bridge to industries that pay—construction, engineering, and tech. Care-to-Career matches young women with apprenticeships and work experience, not as charity, but as an on-ramp to dignity, agency, and wages that break the poverty cycle.

Threaded through is one recurring truth: one good adult can tilt a life toward hope. Sometimes it is a neighbour with jokes and a garden; other times it is a foster carer who bakes, smiles, and writes logs like letters. The system counts hours, but children count moments. Louise’s challenge is simple and tough: tell the truth, keep the child in the room even when they aren’t there, and choose warmth over control. When adults do that, the care system begins to look less like a maze and more like a path.

You can listen to the podcast here:

You can watch the podcast here:

About Louise:

Louise is the award-winning author behind the bestselling Thrown Away Children series. Her stories draw from the lived experiences of being part of a foster family. Her brand-new series, Slave Girls, continues her mission to share the real, often unheard stories of children and young people—with courage, honesty, and hope.
 
Through Spark Sisterhood, Louise is building a community where girls from care are met with friendship and essential life and employment skills, and where they are encouraged to believe in themselves and their futures. One of the charity’s most exciting projects is Care to Career, a two-week programme that offers girls jobs, apprenticeships and work experience by working with employers. The programme supports young women aged 18–25. It’s about more than just finding a job, which they do, it’s about creating space for young women to thrive.
 
At the heart of everything Louise does is a belief in the power of real-life stories. Through the marketing agency, Louise, she helps founders, charities, and mission-led companies connect more deeply with their audiences through branding, content, and campaigns that are built with empathy and purpose. Whether it’s supporting a small charity or reshaping how we talk about foster care, Louise brings clarity, heart, and strategy to every project.
 
Having grown up in care and now fostering children herself, Louise understands the care system from the inside out; she has a unique 360? understanding. She is a respected and leading voice. Her work is now focused on changing the conversation around fostering in the UK by challenging the fear-led culture, the lack of collaboration between agencies, and the reliance on legislation to drive change. Instead, she’s advocating for honest dialogue, practical solutions, and a shared commitment to putting children and carers first.

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Transcript:

Colby: 0:00

Hello, and welcome to the Secure Start podcast.

Louise: 0:05

And I began to use creativity as a way of thinking and a way of working. And sometimes you get drawn to these things because you just can’t live with the injustices that go on. And if you see it and you know it, you can’t walk past it. That man saved my life. So again, the other thing I would say is things aren’t always what you think they are. The people on paper who were meant to be really good and kind and the puppy were not. The people next door who were poor, who uh were a bit rough on the edges, I guess, were the kindest people I met. I have to absolutely believe it. If we put the children leave, genuinely, genuinely hot fellow, actually with a bit green, fellows, will all the green, and the children. I wanted to be very happy on a dream. Somebody who smiled with the simple gonna eat me. But just someone who’s a child. It’s all in the face. That’s all I wanted. It wasn’t about money, it wasn’t about material things, it was about that feeling that you were with an adult that looked at you with kindness in their eyes because it was in the heart. And children read that instantly. So I think most of the work we do could be helped if we worked on ourselves first minimum. Why aren’t they maximally? No one ever tells the truth in this world. It’s layers of eyes. The parents don’t tell the truth because they’re in a position of failure and threat from the children’s social care. The children don’t tell the truth because they’re loyalties to their parents. Uh, and they say a lot of what they think people want to hear because they’re used to it. Foster carers don’t tell the truth because they’re terrified of obligation. Social workers don’t tell the truth because they fear that they might lose the foster carer. Yet no one is telling the truth. So I thought, wouldn’t it be fun just to tell the truth?

Colby: 2:23

Hello and welcome to the Secure Start podcast. I’m Colby Pierce, and joining me for this episode is an inspirational UK-based foster carer, author, artist, and champion of post-care support for young women. Before we begin, I’d just like to acknowledge the traditional owners of the lands that I come to you from, the Ghana people of the Adelaide Plains, and acknowledge the continuing connection the living Ghana people feel to land, waters, culture, and community. I’d also like to pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging. My guest this episode is Louise Allen. Louise is the award-winning author behind the best-selling thrown away children series. Her stories draw from the lived experiences of being part of a foster family. Her brand new series, Slave Girls, continues her mission to share the real, often unheard stories of children and young people with courage, honesty, and hope. Through Spark Sisterhood, Louise is building a community where girls from care are met with friendship, an essential life and employment skills, and where they are encouraged to believe in themselves and in their futures. One of the charity’s most exciting projects is Care to Career, a two-week program that offers girls jobs, apprenticeships, and work experience by working with employers. The program supports young women aged 18 to 25. It is about more than just finding a job, which they do. It’s about creating a space for young women to thrive. At the heart of everything Louise does is a belief in the power of real life stories. Through the marketing agency Louise, she helps founders, charities, and mission-led companies connect more deeply with their audiences through branding, content, and campaigns that are built with empathy and purpose. Whether it’s supporting a small charity or reshaping how we talk about foster care, Louise brings clarity, heart, and strategy to every project. Having grown up in care and now fostering children herself, Louise understands the care system from the inside out. She has a unique 360-degree understanding. She is a respected and leading voice. Her work is now focused on changing the conversation around fostering in the UK by challenging the fear-led culture, the lack of collaboration between agencies, and the reliance on legislation to drive change. Instead, she’s advocating for honest dialogue, practical solutions, and a shared commitment to putting children and carers first. Welcome, Louise.

Louise: 5:44

Hello, Colby. Thank you so much. That was was that me you were talking about?

Colby: 5:50

Well, of course it was. And I know that that uh from our uh conversations already, that’s only part of the story, and maybe we’ll we’ll get into that um a little bit more as as we go through the podcast. And uh thankfully, it being late in the day and me tripping over my tongue, I can edit those bits out um in the in the final product. Um, but I just wanted perhaps just to kick us off, Louise. Is there anything that you would add to that um that bio?

Louise: 6:24

Um the only thing I would kind of not add but uh highlight because I think it’s important uh to explain why someone like me would become so committed to the work I do. And and I do feel like it’s sometimes it’s accidental. It wasn’t I was quite happy working in fashion and art, floating around, wafting, having a lovely time, but um it felt incredibly um trivial and sometimes uh not very important when in the back of my mind, my own experiences of the care system, because I was in care from before I was born, um it kind of didn’t halt my creative career, it kind of changed it. And I began to use creativity as a way of thinking and a way of working, and sometimes you get drawn to these things because you just can’t live with the injustices that go on, and if you see it and you know it, you can’t walk past it. You just can’t. So when I found out about my own understanding of myself, I because you you you don’t know your own past until you gather all your evidence and lay it out in front of you, and even then there are holes. Is that um, if I can briefly say from the pro, because I always find this a bit of a shocker, not to me, but people to understand my father was a man in his 30s who was on his second marriage with children. My mother was 12 years old when she met him, or he met her. My father was a serial paedophile, and I found out as I got older. Now that changes the way you think about things because when I say to people my father was a paedophile, they think that it was me that he was having sex with, it wasn’t, it was my mother. So I have a kind of I talk about child abuse a bit like I’m having a cup of tea and a piece of cake because it’s my world that I live in. So that’s the only thing I’d like to say is a kind of disclaimer to why you know I do I bother so much and I care so much.

Colby: 8:28

Yeah, you you’ve touched a bit on that and and your motivation. Um, is there anything else that you would say about where this motive motivation comes from and what continues to motivate you in the the various endeavors that you are engaged in?

Louise: 8:46

I think the motivation, I think you you’re kind of born with it. I I kind of came into the world fighting for the underdog, um, not even realizing I was also one of the underdogs. Um, and I think I saw a lot of pain. I heard a lot of stories. I had a an adoptive mother and foster mothers that always overshared. So I was kind of burdened with their uh knowledge uh about the world. And I you kind of when you’re a child and you get that level of you know, your optics are like that, and you know those stories, you have a huge sense of responsibility, and sometimes it felt too much, but I I’m I’m creative, so I would turn that into something that would work with me. But I’ve always been very aware of how other people feel, and I think that’s my motivation. I can’t, I don’t like people around me being sad or lost or hurt, it bothers me dearly.

Colby: 9:48

So, in some ways, the relief of suffering is is has been a prime motivator for you.

Louise: 9:55

Absolutely, Colby. I’m gonna have to stop one of my dogs is howling. I’m gonna go and shut the door.

Colby: 10:03

We have a shared interest in dogs. You shared a story about how dogs have been uh lifelong friends and companions for you.

Louise: 10:19

Dogs to me are are um to me, they’re the most uh beautiful creatures I can think of. I absolutely love their souls and find them so forgiving for what we do to them. And when I was uh a child, in in my first well, in every single book, I it occurred to me that I was writing as much about my dogs as I was about me. So wherever when when I was in care and when I was at places or at new foster places, or wherever I was, I would find a dog and I would sit with the dog and befriend the dog. And and and at my most saddest times in my life, I found I’m sitting next to a dog, and it was uh I I I just love them dearly. I had a dog that um my adoptive mother got rid of because she got jealous of the devotion I had to the dog, and I came home from school and she just had it put down. And that kind of of all the things she had done to me, and she’d done some pretty horrendous things, that hardened me to the point where I could not, I I knew it was just a matter of time till I left. But she did some horrendous things, but she got my dog killed because she didn’t like the fact I was up ever six o’clock every morning walking it around a university parks in Oxford, and I love my dog’s company, and I still do.

Colby: 11:49

I’ve got two, and I was actually looking at a uh dog rescue last night, just sort of trying to convince my husband that we can have another one, and of course, we’re having this conversation because we just had to have a temporary interlude while you went in um and and did something for one of your dogs, yeah. Who’s having a very uh unnatural experience at the moment?

Louise: 12:14

Yeah, she’s having a fancy pregnancy and she surrounded herself with uh the children’s shoes thinking they’re puppies.

Colby: 12:21

Oh dear, poor thing. Yeah, you yeah, so um you you mentioned your adoptive uh parent and you you you indicated that you um you had foster foster mums as well. Um so I guess from um from my perspective and probably from the perspective of our listeners, they would be really keen to hear about what you think um i i is important for foster carers to know and do in that role in consideration of your your experience of having been um cared for by them and and being a foster parent themselves uh yourself now.

Louise: 13:11

Uh yeah, and I thank you for that. That’s a really important question. And and and probably the the the work I find myself doing, uh consciously or unconsciously, is trying to to unravel that to spare the pain um of the the foster carers, the doctors, and mostly the children and the communities around them, because we don’t do this on our own. We have family and we have neighbors and we have friends that all buy into what our affections are. So my my experience of being in care before I was born um was because of my mother’s age, because she was at school. I was then a forced adoption. Um in England there was a prolific amount of us being adopted. Now I I have often wondered whether that’s connected to the late 60s, to to whether the it was a misuse or no use of the pill and the the kind of culture going on in the background of free love and sex and all the rest of it and misunderstanding. In our case, in my mother’s case, sheer exploitation by a man that was clearly a predator. Um and so you you you there’s a dishonesty, I think, that uh uh underpins uh what what we are because when you are adopted or fostered, the first thing you that happens to you is your identity is changed and you lose your identity. Now, my birth mother, even though I had spoken to her throughout my life, I only found out two years ago that she’s Italian. I had no idea why I was olive. I was told I might be Greek, and you realize that that people, the most important thing is to get the facts right, and if you don’t have the absolute correct facts about identity, about family, and don’t say them, don’t guess, leave the gaps because we can fill them in later. And with the digital world now, we can access stuff on ancestry and so on quite quickly. I think me, I was called manufactured. Um, I was adopted by um a woman on my in my paperwork, which I have in a cupboard over there, uh, should never have adopted children, but she had adopted another child child before me and was under the spotlight for um serious child abuse, but then she was allowed to adopt me two years later. I was originally fostered. Because I think um of the prejudice at the time, I think they knew who my father was. Um he was quite he was uh I met him, he was not a nice person at all. Um and I think they uh my birth plan, not my birth plan, my care plan, the first thing on it was this child must be baptized. So I think the fact I was illegitimate, I was the result of uh uh uh uh because it paedophilia, they would have then I would imagine they would have blamed a girl for her uh behaviour. Um I I would imagine that I was very olive. Well, I faded a bit now, but when I was a child I was uh very dark. Um and I think I had the the the the all the the red flags for sort of devout deep prejudice and racism. So I kind of um was I was I was sort of binned off quite early, and I think I had a sense of that, and then I was um I don’t, you know, you end up becoming when you are a foster child or an adopted child, and you know that you are living with someone else’s family, the the hardest thing is trying to understand your own identity. Then you get to a stage which I got to when I discovered punk when I was a teenager, where you just think, well, I’ll create my own identity, and my identity at that point was angry, creative, and sort of a bit wild. But when I was a child, I remember always feeling that there were conversations and whispers that I was not party to that were about me. When my um uh uh I was introduced to my birth mother because my adopted mother was trying to bin me off quite quickly because she’d had enough of us, and I was an incredibly quiet child. And I think the first thing that we need to understand when we uh work with children from trauma, or we’re giving it to them on a daily basis, is that please watch out for the quiet ones, the shy ones, the quiet ones. We go unnoticed, and so my uh other adopted brother was taken away from me. We used to cling to each other, it was just I came downstairs and he was gone. I just saw a car leaving and he was put into residential care. So I’d lost my ally. I had a uh an Irish navy, and if you don’t know what a navy is, they were they were brought over as cheap labor to build the roads and the railways, and he lived in the caravan in the orchard next door with some um evacuees from World War II, so Polish people. Um, and I used to sneak over there into the caravan for food and company, and I ended up becoming my greatest friend was an Irishman from County Court who lived in a caravan, drank Guinness, and used to protect me. If you read that back, small child in a caravan alone with an Irishman in his 60s and 70s, you would you would be alive. That man saved my life. So, again, the other thing I would say is things aren’t always what you think they are. The people on paper who were meant to be really good and kind and and look after me were not. The people next door who were poor, who uh were a bit rough round the edges, I guess, were the kindest people I met. And learned and and kept he knew what was going on, but he he he kind of created created a magical space for me where I could be a child, and he taught and he had that wonderful Irish humour. So he taught me to laugh as well. So I’m grateful. So what would I say? I’d say you know, things aren’t always what you think they are, and people definitely aren’t always who they seem, and when it comes to trying to do life story work, it’s never the truth, it will never be the truth until we decide it’s the truth and the truth that we can live with. So it’s um, and you learn so many bad things, you know, and and people are embarrassed of us. My adopted mum would introduce me if I’d done well at something, oh, this is my adopted daughter, then then literally blow on her nails and and brush her lapel like it was all her work. You know, you kind of you you you you’re you’re uh you you’re appeasing a lot of people if you’re quiet and shy. And then if you were like my adopted brother, he went through it like a bull in a china shop because he didn’t know what to do with all his emotions. Either way, you’re punished, either way it’s a struggle. But now I’m a foster carer and I have long-term placement, so that’s like you know, a bit like adoption, but much more social work intervention. I’d say that um the most important thing is the truth, and the truth will always do because we find out later. And I’ve and I’ve been, and if someone like me approaches a relative, a birth relative, or somebody from the past, it’s not like the TV shows. We don’t throw our arms around each other and go, Oh my god, you’ll just look at your nose, it’s just like mine. You don’t do that. What you do is you you get a sense that they’re looking at you thinking, What do you want? And people have met relatives who have said to me, I haven’t got any money. But it’s you you’re always seen as the other, you know. If you look, we very rarely get put in wills, and and you know, we we’re not financially taken care of. So I would ask anyone who does it to have a real think about what they why they’re doing it. Is is it to replace something they’ve lost, a child they’ve lost, or a child they’ve never had, because you’re just about to adopt or foster a unique universe that has the whole energy, and your job is to find it and to help them accept their own energy because they’re fighting, children are constantly exhausted, and I see it with my children. I think I’m quite good at what I do, but I can see it in them that they’re trying to bend and twist and to try and second guess how they can keep you happy to give them space to to do what they need to do. And I just think that we gotta do this better.

Colby: 22:33

So there’s three, I guess three main things that I I took from that, Louise. And if there’s some that I missed that you think are important to to also mention, do so. One the the remo the probably the latter one was the importance of understanding the children in your care. Understanding the depth to which they feel is you you use the word outsiders, um you you I know your books, you talk about throwing away children, you use the language of being binned. Um but that understand the depth to of lack or loss of of a feeling of belonging to everyone. And and the other thing that I think you said in there that was I thought really poignant, and um as it happens, I’m I I was writing questions for uh for upcoming podcast guests about the input the who we with whom I’m gonna I plan to be talking about other adults, you know, adults outside of the foster placement or the residential placement or the kinship placement. And um yeah, so you mentioned the the neighbour who the role of that he played in your life was so significant that you you he said you described him as having saved you. And um yeah, it puts me in mind, this is a theme that comes up quite regularly on our podcast about and and in my professional life as well, just about the vital role that um you know having at least one one good adult in your life who sees you, listens to you, and is there for you, particularly when times are tough. And um we know incidentally from um the study I’m most familiar with was a large-scale Irish study that was completed a bit more than a little bit more than 10 years ago now, but of um 12 to 25 year olds that showed that um and quite a lot, and it was quite a large sample size, but it showed that the children um or the the adults who were able to um report that they’d had someone in their life who saw them, who understood them, who was there for them. The difference for that population in terms of mental health and well-being, physical health and well-being, and and problematic behaviours is significant, yeah, whether you have that or you don’t have that. Yeah. So yeah, I don’t know if I missed any of those significant points in there, but there was getting to know the children, being aware of belonging and the and and how significant that is for young people, and and being aware of how the the the role of just being one good adult, at least one good adult. We of course we want more.

Louise: 25:42

It’s well it I I could do my own little uh uh example is that I myself and uh the adopted other adopted brother who is a bit older than me, we live next door to together next to this orchard, but he didn’t have I I’m always curious and always, you know, and and and there were cats and dogs around, you know, so yeah, it was a given for me. I was gonna get close to those animals. And he didn’t have the he didn’t make the effort, I guess, as a child to crawl through the fence and go and introduce himself. I made the effort several times a week um to crawl for the fence and to smile at people and to and I’m a natural smiler, and I I don’t know whether I became a natural smiler for people to like me so I’d be rescued, or I don’t know, we just did it differently, and I think it’s all down to personality. My adopted brother struggles in life hugely, um, whereas I don’t, and I think that connection I had with Sean, the Irishman, was he didn’t say, How are you? How are you feeling? None of that. It was far more come over here and let’s let’s don’t dig this garden, you know. Let’s let’s you know, let’s do it. He used to let me um he had a comb over, he had a bold head and a comb. He used to wear braces and vests, you know, proper old school. And he would sit there reading the local paper, drinking in his name, plat his comb over and put makeup on it. He was completely at ease with himself, but he was very aware, I found out later, what was going on, and I respect him more now than ever, knowing that he knew and he placated her and he protected me. He didn’t involve me in that discussion or in that world, he didn’t get involved, he protected me, and I appreciate that because I got to have a childhood, I got to, you know, I and I love a gardening because of him, you know. So I’m grateful, and I’m grateful for people that don’t keep saying, Are you alright? What’s going on with you right now? You don’t want you get sick of it as a child.

Colby: 28:02

I look and in my professional life, I I say to people, if you find yourself about to ask a child a question and you think you know what the answer would be, should they give it, don’t ask the question. Say the answer. Say the answer. Because children our children, every time my experience is is when we ask them questions, their experience is what you know, another dumb adult that doesn’t can’t it can’t see, can’t hear, isn’t looking, doesn’t know. But when we when we say the answer, their experience is what finally, someone who who sees me and gets me.

Louise: 28:44

It’s so important that is such a really inspiring and hopeful thing for me to hear because I live with children now who um you know I only we were doing some work the other day, they’re in residential care for three years, and we were uh we we totted up um all the people that this child has had to tell her story to over the last five years, and it was 360 people, 70 care workers, five social workers, managers. Every time she went to AE, it was at least five doctors, nurses, because they never they always go, I want to hear it for myself. It’s like, no, trust, trust the child, therapists, counsellors, teachers, whatever, uh other people. So we came up with the idea that we’re going to make a recording.

Colby: 29:37

Yeah, it’s a good idea.

Kouise: 29:41

Because she I just cannot say it one more time, and then when she refuses to engage and sits at her phone and scrolls and doesn’t engage, they say they get angry with her.

Colby: 29:51

Yeah, yeah. I’ve never insisted that I mean, I’ve been doing working therapeutically. I had a primarily assessment role for the first seven years. Years of my career, and then I gradually did more and more therapy, although I had therapy, psychotherapy clients from the beginning, but 30 years. I’ve never expected a child, I’ve never asked a child to tell their story. Um I think that that’s um re-traumatising. I think I think that children um get more out of a therapeutic encounter from warmth, from understanding, um, from feeling like they’re a person of worth, that they’re good enough, yeah, than yeah, raking over the coals of you know of what’s happened in their life.

Louise: 30:43

And I just think it’s a continuation of abuse when you because to what end are you asking? Because you haven’t read the notes. We got her file, there was just one part of a file, which is 360 pages. This is just for one year of her life, you know, with the rest are coming because she’s soon to be 18. And um, then she asked for another load. Um, and you you when you look at the paperwork that uh uh this is a bit I didn’t say is that as a foster carer and a doctor, you are only ever as good from the beginning as what you have been told and what you know about the child. So when those notes are written, and I I I sat there trying to fight the tears off when I was going through her paperwork just the other evening, because it’s careless, it’s it they don’t even get her name right, they don’t, you know, it is so and they she said, but that didn’t happen, they got that wrong, and you know, so they’re building an identity, a picture of a child that isn’t accurate, which is why I say the truth will always do. If you can’t be the truth and there’s less of it, then hallelujah! Just don’t put stuff in that you’re not sure about and you cannot uh hold to account because they uh it so we’re only ever as good as what we know, and then what what I learned as a foster carer is those referrals, the redactions are you know what is not there is conspicuously loud, and you have to second guess.

Colby: 32:24

Yeah, I think um the word that was coming to me, and I’ve just noticed that I’ve got a nice shadow on my face because the sun is uh uh reflecting off the neighbor’s roof. But um what I um the word that came to me was dignity. Like where is where’s the dignity in for the child in the notes in the the records? I you had me in mind of a young person who complains that every aspect of her life, she’s in a residential placement, but every aspect of her life is documented. Every every what time she got up, what she did for breakfast, rahdy rah. And yeah, and it’s excuse me, Louise, I’m just gonna shut it off. There we go.

Louise: 33:18

There we are. And and that is so important because I when I, you know, was in care, I felt when I ran away at 15 because I just legged it from Oxford to Portsmouth, I got on a train after a horrendous incident of abuse, and I dragged myself three miles to the train station. I got on a train and I was gone. I felt like I’d broken out of prison. And it was liberating, and I worked very hard to make sure that I could earn money not to be anywhere near a social services or a social worker, because by then my trust had gone. So the fact that I’m back in this world much later working with children’s social care, and I see some inspiring social workers, but I read those and I see a lot that I don’t really want to see again. But I see I read the notes with great with great interest. I read I’ve got my own file, and most of it is redactions, and those redactions are not to protect me, they’re to protect themselves, and you diminish more and more and more that you know you you kind of and and and in my um uh file all the way through, I’m hardly mentioned. There’s even a note about you know, a particular thing happened where my adopted mother beaten me so badly, and they went, Oh, I suppose someone better go around and check on Louise, but it’s Friday, I’ve got to go. Can you do it? It was all handwritten before my uh adoption because I was fostered first, because uh so many social workers said, Don’t do it, don’t do it. She must not, this woman must not adopt this child. There are all these handwritten notes saying, please don’t do this from the Guardian Litem from the social workers. And I was still adopted, and I think it was because when you adopt you you you’re one financial burden less for the local authority. And it’s it, and I think what it made me very aware, angry originally, that we matter so little, we matter so little, and you you you see this in decision making now, and and I I am that foster care. I because I do I have this absolute belief that if we put the children’s needs genuinely, genuinely heartfelt, matching with a bit of brain, first, we’ll all agree, and the child will get what they need, but you get all these weird other things going on, careers, politics, you know. Why are children politicized? So you a lot of the the the words around children are lazy, um rude. Uh, I mean, just some of the stuff, and and then you get foster carers, and we have to write logs every week or two weeks. I do two weeks, I do two weeks for any foster carers who are listening. If you write them every week, you’re gonna write about the minutiae. They go up, they clean their teeth, they they who cares? If you write them every three weeks, you forget. So every two weeks for me works out to be about the right, you get you get the right stuff in there, and I always write my logs to my child because it keeps me focused, it keeps me focused on that. I’m not recording their daily activity or then anything negative. What I am doing is I am on the journey with them as long as I can until they read this, and I want them to read that I said, Well, uh, it’s not the child’s name, but say, Sarah, you know, you had a really good day today, and uh, we we got through that bit, you know, with that bit, and I write it in a funny voice, and I use my voice, and I never talk about the the the the whoopsies and the disasters and the and if they abscond, I’ll say, Well, we got your back, that’s great. But I never because they will read it, we never want to be continually reminded of our failures, the failures that were put on us by other people, and I think that that how we write about children is essential. Everybody, doctors, therapists, counselors, you know, teachers, you know, we don’t need to hear the negative, we’re living that negative stuff. I remember it, and I see the children I look after. We you’re living that daily, you don’t need to be reminded, you just need to know that people know that you can you can get through this, and you’ll be great.

Colby: 37:52

Yeah, yeah. And I have a I have a saying that when you get a group of adults in a room, often the first voice that is lost is the child’s voice. And it’s it’s just remarkable how that happens and observing that happening. And I think in our pre-meet, you told me that about putting the photo of the child on the table. Yes, I did it on the table. Yeah.

Louise: 38:16

Yeah, I I and I, you know, you have to be a stage in your life where you really couldn’t give a hoot about what other people think about you. I really don’t care. I generally like I got what I want, got what I need. I don’t need your your validation. But while we were in this meeting, we were it was an online one and they were talking not about the child, they were talking about the child, but not talking about the child and about all the problems it was causing them and the logistics. I just got her photograph and I just whacked it on the screen on camera and went, This is who we’re talking about, and I’m gonna every time you don’t talk about her, I’m gonna put her face up. Yeah, and it and it, you know, and then they were like a little bit shocked, and then they kind of and I said, How can you not? She’s not even here. We’re talking about her, and she’s not here. Do you understand how that feels for her? She knows we’re here, she’s not in the room virtually or the least I can do is remind you who she is, and they and it did change the whole mood of the meeting because suddenly they lightened up. It stopped being about their commissioning and about the the egos and the wars, and I want to further my career because I’ve managed to save 500 pounds this month or whatever, and aren’t I wonderful? Because I really generally don’t care about the adults, I care about the children, and you have when you go in with that attitude at first, it’s like what Gandhi said, didn’t it? When you have when you want something big to happen, when you want to create a change, first they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they get angry with you, then you win. And I keep that in my head because I know they go, God, it’s yeah, then they get a bit, you can feel the pursed lips and the and but that’s all about them, not me or the child. All I am doing is reminding them that this human being, this vulnerable, only vulnerable because we have bureaucratically made that child vulnerable on the fact that they were physically and emotionally vulnerable before. So the corporate parent continues the vulnerability, and then they go, and then they get you know, then you get to the conversation with 16 or 18, and you go, right, and off you go then.

Colby: 40:39

Bye. I want to get to you and talk to you a little bit about the Sparte Sisterhood in a in a in a bit, but there’s a couple of other things that uh just something that I want to cover off about what you’ve said so far. There was an e there was a um I refer I refer to this study in my in my writing and um it was published in the mid-1950s under the article titled The Nature of Love. Um and uh Harry Harlow was his name, and he and and he published his study in a very esteemed psychology journal. I think it was in the American Psychologist in 1955, and it was and this is the you may have heard of it, but this is the experiments where they separated infant rhesus monkeys from their mothers um shortly after birth. And what they were they were testing is you know how how important is it to the infant um that they get fed? Um they had mother surrogate, so they have would have a mother surrogate that uh would feed them, but was wrapped in wire, was not warm, was not cuddly, they couldn’t cut it cuddle into it, and it could feed them. But then they they also had a mother surrogate who was wrapped in terry towel and had a a like load behind it, so and it was roughly shaped so that the infant could cling onto it, and it was it was warm, it was soft, and um and and I won’t, I’ll spare you some of the details, but the the long and the short of of it all is how much because they were looking at what are the primary needs of a child, and the primary needs turned out to be as concluded from those studies, were warmth contact to comfort. Whether they feed you or you know, and and I was reflecting on your experience growing, you know, you you I’m sure you were well you may not have been well fed, but but your adoptive.

Louise: 42:44

Well there was a case I had to eat.

Colby: 42:47

Yeah. But um but the kid, yeah, it was that was game changing really for um uh for for thought thinking at that time, that in fact it’s not the fact that the parent feeds and uh the child that is is a primary uh driver for the child orienting to the parent. It’s that they it is that they provide warmth and comfort. And in actual fact, when they frighten these baby monkeys and they had a choice of either going to the mother surrogate that fed them but was just made of wire, or the one that was soft and warm but didn’t feed them, the babies would always go to the soft and warm um uh mother surrogate. So Jessica, you know, I I think about that in terms of the warmth that you undoubtedly experienced with Sean from Sean and um yeah, and and you know, like it’s not it’s not that sophisticated in a way, you know, the the raising and the care of children, it is that um we do provide them with love and comfort and warmth. Yeah, yeah.

Louise: 43:58

And it’s so interesting because every child I’ve looked after, which is over 30 now, um, and and some stay for years and years, is that when they go somewhere else or when they report about back on their residentials or their previous foster carers or whatever. If I can couple that with when when I began fostering and my memories of my own childhood, because I didn’t want to, it was my husband’s idea. I was the most reluctant area you’d find. But you know, I I I absolutely do I love it? I don’t know. You just do it and you don’t think about do I love it or not, because it’s not that kind of uh work. But I wanted to be for my own children, I have two birth children, my stepdaughters when they were young, and all the students because I used to teach in a university. I wanted to be consciously or subconsciously, the the the the very adult that I dreamed I’d had. And what that was was somebody who smiled when they saw me. That simple. Not looked like they were gonna eat me or beat me, but just someone who with warmth, because a child will tell you it’s all in the face, it’s in a split second, and when my children go somewhere, my foster children go somewhere and they refuse to go back, and then the social workers, we’ve spent this money on that, and you have to go, and they’ll say they didn’t make me feel welcome. So it’s all with the initial greet, and every time that you know, and I made sure I worked really hard, and this is why foster care gets mixed up with domestic women’s work, is that even though you know I’m not the greatest and finest baker in the world, but I would half-kill myself to do all my work to make sure that when the children came back from school, the kitchen smelt of of biscuits, and uh the biscuits were warm, and I was there smiling, and just for 10 minutes I’d go, you had a good day, and if they didn’t want to talk, we didn’t, but it was I was always smiling, not like a lunatic, but with utter warmth because I knew that’s what I never that’s all I wanted. It wasn’t about money, it wasn’t about material things, it was about that feeling that you were with an adult that looked at you with kindness in their eyes because it was in their heart, and children read that instantly, you know. And I meet a lot of professionals, and I wouldn’t I wouldn’t want to be left alone with them.

Colby: 46:43

I mean a lot of people in the sector, yeah. The same. I wouldn’t have wouldn’t want my children to to spend time with them.

Louise: 46:51

No, no, so you know, we we don’t, you know, the efficacy that the sense, you know, we don’t pay enough attention as adults to adults, we don’t tell them, you know, when we employ people or when we train people, we don’t say, can you work on your body language, please? Can you work on what your voice sounds like? Can you stop sounding so depressed? Can you can you not make them feel so uncomfortable? Because you will hold a child’s attention, it’s like teachers as well, you know. If you I I have a child with me now that just won’t go to school. Luckily enough, I work from home mostly, so that’s that’s okay. And I never say you’ve got to go to school, because why would you want to go somewhere every day where people treat you badly when you’ve come from a childhood where you were treated badly, and and people don’t understand if they stood there at the door and greeted the young people and said, Hi, so lovely to see you, hi five or whatever. Come on in, it doesn’t matter if you’re two minutes late, rather than you’ve got detention, you’re late, you’re late. Who wants that? So the whole kind of abuse of power, you know. I see it again and again in these stern faces, and children are not stupid by any means. So I think most of the work we do could be helped if we worked on ourselves first.

Colby: 48:32

I I agree, I think that’s a that’s a really fantastic point, and there is a lot of thinking about how we manage the relationship that we bring to the table, how how we manage ourselves when um when we interact with the children. Um look, Louise, there’s lots more that I could talk to you about. But I also I want to cover a couple of other of other things in the time that we have available. I do wonder though, uh, you do you you seem to stick your neck out a little bit on behalf of the children. Who who’s got your back?

Louise: 49:10

Um I’ve got my back. I’ve earned the coverage of my back through through putting my neck out, sticking my neck on, and finding other people that also stick their neck out. And through the years, we have independently and collectively challenged this the the system, the the the the the behaviors, the policies, because unless you you you do create a little bit of disruption and and agitate, nothing will change. And and um I have my back very beautifully covered by uh a number of people. One of them is Sarah Anderson, who uh, for anyone in fostering in the UK or anywhere actually, because I think her her work is pretty global from foster uh foster wiki, which is basically everything you need to know about fostering from law to to minimum standards. Minimum. Why aren’t they maximum standards? Um to quality standards, yeah, quality standards. Why minimum? Why the bare minimum?

Colby: 50:15

Um I’m sure that’s not what min not what Winnicott meant when he talked about good enough parenting.

Louise: 50:21

No, no, exactly. Well, there’s a conversation, isn’t it? You know, oh my goodness. Um, I think I also have my own back because one thing you learn through the care system is resilience, and I’ve learned to to know what to worry about and what not to worry about, and I’m at a stage in life where I’m still standing and I’m still here and I’m still laughing. So I think with age and experience, I I’m more discerning about what I offer my emotional time to. So yeah, a number of things.

Colby: 50:58

Yeah. Um moving on, I just wanted uh you this the books that you’ve written, um I I think people will be very interested to hear more about uh what inspired you to write them and perhaps even a little bit about what what they cover.

Louise: 51:18

Yeah, the thrown away I wrote my own book for thrown away child. That wasn’t my title when you write these books, it was for Simon Schuster. So you write them and then you kind of, you know, things PR and marketing get put in, and they want a nitty-nitty title. And then after I wrote my first book, I was like, I liked writing, but I I wasn’t a writer, and then I had a big gap, and I was thinking, what do I do with my life now? I’ve written a book. So then I started to write about what I know and what I know as a fostering family. Um, and when you are, you know, no one sees your family. It’s a really weird work because you’re kind of divided up and you we hardly see each other as foster carers. Uh, and when we do gather up, we’re always surrounded by social workers who are very keen to keep us on track and not talk about them. So we we we kind of have these fake conversations. But I I wanted to write the books because mainly for my fellow foster carers, because we live in this mad world and we are treated like babysitters, and foster care is intense work. You you have to enjoy learning, you have to be prepared to spend a lot of your time gathering information to tailor it to every child in your home, because there’s no generalization possible for what we do, and I think um I wrote it because we we are treated badly. Uh I think because that some the the the governments all level see what we do as tradition as gendered work, as women’s work, uh, therefore in a lot of people’s minds, including some uh females in in management and so on, we are lesser, we have a lower value. And what amazes me about being a foster carer is that even though I’d worked as an academic, I have lived experience, and I’m reasonably sharp. Um, I’d set up businesses, I’ve already looked after my children, my stepchildren, they’re all alive, you know, it’s all good. I did all that. When you become a foster carer, you doesn’t matter what you bring with you, all your life experience, we’re all treated like we’re just it’s like a processing. You you just get treated like you now, you’ve got to wear a beige cardigan and you don’t have a voice, and now you’re just seen as a domestic person. It’s really weird. And I think when I was uh teaching, I was in a trade union rep because I wanted to know why there was so much bullying going on in my university with academia, full stop, and so I brought with it this kind of uh awareness of uh you know rights, um human rights, workplace rights, you know, whatever. I I brought all that with me, and so that made me really unpopular straight away because I started going, well, what are we then? We’re foster carers, so we you know, we don’t have a contract, we have an agreement, we don’t we don’t get sick pay or pensions, but we’re meant to work like robots 24-7, not not complain. If we do say we’re tired, then you tell us we’ve got compassion fatigue and we’re useless. So you you I really was startled actually when I became a foster carer, I was a bit freaked out, and then I started looking at all my other foster carers, and we come from the most diverse backgrounds, you’ll never meet a more broad demographic than foster carers, but we’re all glued together. Some foster carers naively think that if they you know, if they uh try and impress and befriend the management, they’d be like the favourite child, and we we sit there going, Oh, they’re gonna throw you under the bus, and they do. Um, so I wrote it for foster carers, I wrote it for education because we don’t get very good training. You have a little bit of skills to foster at the start, and then you’re chucked in looking after these little universes with all their issues and all their problems, and all that you don’t know what you’re dealing with because no one ever really tells you what’s going on, and you have to wait for the bureaucracy and all the rest of it. So I wrote it to to share the the more extreme experiences, but the fun as well, you know. And and in my first book, I wasn’t allowed to be funny because it was misery memoir. And I thought that’s not me. I do like a laugh, thank you, Sean. My lovely Irishman, and taught me to laugh. And most things are funny if you look for it. So I started writing the books about our our life. So my husband, my sons, the dogs always in there, um, and the children that come into our lives, into our home, and and all that goes with it, that their families, you know, how they ended up in care, because they don’t just appear from from space and land in care. There’s a whole backstory, there’s intergenerational trauma, there’s poverty, there’s uh all sorts of issues that bring children into care, and and and then the external world that doesn’t know about the care system thinks they’re naughty children. So you kind I uh I wrote it, I never thought I’d get published. I’m on my 20th now. Um, and it’s uh they they go down, but they they’re uh I I I I seem to a lot of Australian people seem to read my books. Thank you very much. But it’s a bit of a it’s just a real story to la isn’t it? It’s love. I I I tell about all the naughty stuff, you know, like when the social workers are coming, we hide all the wine. Oh dear, yeah, and all that stuff because we’re real people, and like sometimes on a Friday after a big week with the children, a bottle of wine will do nicely, thank you very much. But you can’t, you know, you see you live this old, you know, no one ever tells the truth in this world, it’s layers of lies. The parents don’t tell the truth because they’re they’re in the position of failure and threat from children’s social care. The children don’t tell the truth because they’re loyalties to their parents, uh, and they say a lot of what they think people want to hear because they’re used to it. Foster carers don’t tell the truth because they’re terrified of allegation, the social workers don’t tell the truth because they fear that they might lose the foster carer. Yeah, no one is telling the truth. So I thought, wouldn’t it be fun just to tell the truth?

Colby: 57:57

It’s uh it it sounds inspirational.

Louise: 58:01

Um, and a lot of reggae going on as well, because I I’m always listening to reggae in my studio, so that’s quite funny as well.

Colby: 58:09

Yeah, and you’re an artist as well. Yeah, you’re an artist, and uh you obviously paint regularly. I see I see uh some of your offerings on LinkedIn. Yeah, sponsor me LinkedIn. Uh but yes, there is that, and you know, you you mentioned dogs, the dogs again there, and what I the other thing I really wanted to say when I was telling that ghastly story earlier about Harley, Harla, Harlow and his monkeys. So it’s it’s just about how their preference for warmth and contact comfort rather than food or um you know whoever feeds them, and that’s something that dogs are very good at. They’re very good at, and uh, we don’t have a dog at the moment. My dog died a couple of years ago, my most recent dog. Yeah, and you you feel that lack.

Louise: 59:00

Um, it’s horrible. It’s you know, you start throwing bits of food on the floor, don’t you? And you think, well, why am I doing that? Because there’s no dog not that we should feed dogs at the table, but the um the dogs uh are essential for the work that I do at home. Without the dogs, I could not be uh anywhere near, and I don’t think they get praised enough. You know, they know when to go and sit on a lap and they don’t say anything. They got your back. I’ve got your back.

Colby: 59:31

Yeah.

Louise: 59:32

And I had a child who was a prolific, prolific self-harmer, and I used to leave one of my dogs in their room. Because you have to sleep, you know, sleep is the most valuable thing a foster care can have. And the dog used to come in and wake me up when when they were cutting. When it got too bad, when they were getting close to an archery or something. And I used to to go in and my dog would would all they would cry. If a child cries, the dog will let me know and come and get me. And I find the um it sometimes they make me just cry because they’re just so beautiful, the dogs, and they um they reach children in ways that you know I’ve got one at the moment, I’ve got a small dog who’s a Jack Russell Chihuahua, and this particular child carries. I was gonna get them a kind of uh papoose because they carry the dog around, and the dog the the the front legs on their shoulders and they just stare at each other all the time. I think and that it the dog is giving the love but taking away the pain, and you can see this beautiful cycle. So I could not do the work without dogs. No, I want more dogs.

Colby: 1:00:52

I wondered if I’d like dogs again, but um, yeah, at the moment my children are working on that.

Louise: 1:01:00

One of them has yeah, they’re campaign campaigning.

Colby: 1:01:03

Yeah, well, one of them’s got his own dog, so yeah, and we’re we’re grandparents to the dogysitting rights. Um you tell tell us a little bit about Spark Sisterhood. Because I think um I think you you and I are both completely on the same page as uh you know Aberdeen um people in this sector about just just the the awful circumstances that can befall young people post-care.

Louise: 1:01:37

Yeah, it’s the cliff edge, isn’t it? It really is. Um the last thing I needed to do three years ago was set up a charity. But I’d been into a residential home the year before uh as a guest to do some art and do some uh work with the as uh as someone from the care system. And I, you know, I was talking to a group of girls and they’re all about 15, and I’d say, what and I was quite naive, you know, even though I think I I I get it covered, and then I realize I still don’t know how this system works. And I’d be saying, What are you gonna do? Are you going to college? Are you going to this? Are you going to that? They get a little shrug, you know, that teenage shrug. And I go, Oh, okay. And then, you know, life goes on and whatever. And then one by one, after a few months, they were contacting me on social media. And it’d be, hello Louise, how are you? And I go, hi, darling. But my mum bit would go, What’s going on for you? Where are you? And then I found out that there was about eight girls that had been not bonded, but bonded by circumstance and environment, uh, in residential for a few years, who were now all completely separated. And they were living in uh independent living accommodation, which varied from a tent to luxurious, to being in an unregulated home, looked felt very much like it was run by county lines. And if if you haven’t got county lines in Australia, what it is, it’s criminal, criminal gangs trafficking girls and boys using mainly uh uh children to move drugs and it’s slave labor, which is what my books are about. Um, and it’s all it worked through phone lines, so it’s not train lines as my hairdresser thought, it’s uh phone lines, and it’s a sheer exploitation of children and and our uh we haven’t got the the government and the police services do not have the support uh the resources, thank you, previous governments, to to deal with it, so it’s sheer blatant exploitation, and so I was listening to them, and then you know, you do that thing like oh god’s sake. So I remembered that they all liked red velvet cake because I used to take it in, so I got all their postcodes, I put them in my sat nav, and I went to the shop and I got a carrier bag of food and feminine supplies. I just assumed they need them, and on top of each bag I put a uh a red velvet cake, and I drove round to see them all, and it was one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve done because you know, for whatever you say about children in care, they have they have dignity when they need it, and that dignity presents itself as politeness, and that politeness is um a kind of it scares me because it means that they have no, they don’t feel that they have any agency or autonomy, they just silent. And these girls I went to see uh put on uh an insane amount of weight. That was the first thing I noticed, but obviously never said, and I then I’d get to the bottom, they’re too scared to leave their accommodation, they didn’t know how to get on buses because they had been driven everywhere in residential. They were heartbroken because in care, it doesn’t matter how many carers they had, they were told that they were loved, and then when they left, that love disappeared. So now they’d recognize that that love to be paid love for them to say it and totally hollow, and it left them re-traumatized because they’d left they had the rejection of their own families and leaving and having to go into care, and then they so big things that no one thinks about the none of them had really been kept in contact with, they were in isolation, they’d been split up, and this is interesting. Each local authority gave them a different allowance, so some are on £50 a week, which would you know, buy maybe a lunch out for two, and some are on £70 a week. So there’s complete inconsistency. Whilst they were in care, in residential care, they were having their hair done, their nails done, they had clothes allowances, they were going on holidays, you know, everything was blissfully lovely, and then it all stopped. So they didn’t know what to do, but they had developed vape and smoking habits, which were funded by the local uh by the residential home just to keep them quiet, but no one actually so they had developed addictions, so their money went on fags, cigarettes, and vapes before they got fed. And the food they bought was so cheap and nasty that that that’s why they’d put on the weight and they weren’t getting any exercise because they were terrified to go anywhere, they were terrified of the people in the next room. So it was awful. So then I started the charity because I felt that they weren’t going into education. I’d say, why you why are you not going to college? And then when you look at a college timetable, it’s erratic. It’s like, you know, you go in 10 on a Monday, nine on a Tuesday, two on a Wednesday. What they were craving was consistency, what they were craving was routine, what they were craving was validation that they’re okay, not a reminder that they were different. So they couldn’t make friends at college because they had no, they weren’t going to bring them back to their weird accommodation, they didn’t have the money to join in and go to the cinema and go bowling and go out to the pub and do all the normal stuff. They just didn’t know how to do that, and they were probably also being exploited because they, you know, they are so vulnerable because the exploiters of gangs and so on see them and then know they need money and friendship, and they offer another version of family, which is totally corrupt and dangerous. So I set the charity up because of them, and I set it up, and uh first of all, it was a mentorship, and then I and I backed away from that completely because the women that are in business that were quite powerful and I thought could help them were terrifying, and and they would have no relationship. And I knew that they would the girls would turn up because they thought they were awful, and you know, it’s all about those skills that we talked about earlier about welcoming, about non-judgment, and about you know, it’s an art, and not many people have it. So I set up a charity, and I’ve been doing um uh proof of concepts and pilots for nearly uh 18 months now, where we test projects to get the girls’ uh life skills, like teaching them first aid. Uh, we get image consultants in top chefs teaching them about cheap, wonderful food, how to cook. Um, we get uh I’ve got martial arts experts coming in to help them protect themselves both physically, verbally, emotionally. Um, and then we link them up with industry. I’m my main uh drive is to get as many girls into construction, engineering, and tech. That’s where the money is. Because the option, the career options of girls from care are hairdressing, manicurists, care workers for the elderly, or care workers for infants. Now I’m a bit cautious about the care work because they’re still so close to their own trauma, and the others will never get them out of poverty, none of those careers will get them out of the cycle of poverty, and some of them are third generation poverty of unemployment, so it’s working, and I set up a CIC as well to for boys. We have here NEETS, which is not in education, employment, or training, and we’ve got over a million, and it’s not acceptable, it’s not acceptable, and we have uh post-Brexit, we have a lot of really good businesses desperate for workers in the hotel and catering industries in agriculture, and so I’m kind of matching them up, but I have to get the girls and now the boys as well through another project ready to work because you can’t expect employers to lean and bend all the way to meet them and then go into the workplace and disrupt or not know what to do. So we’re teaching them about employment law, we’re teaching them about efficacy, we’re teaching literally how to shake a hand, how to stand straight. We’re doing all the stuff that should have been done if you have a parent that is paying attention. So that’s a charity, it’s growing and growing. I’m just having a round table in London, hopefully with some big, big names, to see how we can do motivational work with them and attract more funding. But yeah, it was an accident like everything I do, Colby. I I don’t mean to, I just end up doing it.

Colby: 1:11:01

I fall into it, yeah.

Louise: 1:11:02

I fall into it.

Colby: 1:11:04

That’s actually been quite a common theme on this podcast. Um generally speaking, the best the best way it’s been put was the the wonderful Peter Wilson, you know, 85 or 86-year-old um uh child and adolescent psychotherapist saying life is a a sequence of serendipities, yeah.

Louise: 1:11:26

Where you just fall into the right, you’re in the right place at the right time to do and uh because it’s so good to hear that because I don’t I always say I don’t have a career, I’ve just been careering around.

Colby: 1:11:40

I don’t know how you get time to do it all, Louise. Where does the time come from? You want a different time scale to the rest of us?

Louise: 1:11:48

I think I’ve to be honest with you, I’ve been working paid work since I was nine, ten. I’ve always had side hustles, I’ve always been pretty focused because I I wanted to get out of poverty, I wanted to get out of care, I wanted to be financially independent because I remember Jermaine Greer, I remember listening on Woman’s hour at the age of like 13. I just caught it saying, Women, to have independence, you must have your own money and that, you know. So it’s like property, what was it, property uh jewelry and something else. I remember thinking I’ve got to get all that because I don’t want to be owned by anyone, I don’t want to ask permission to buy shoes. So I was very determined, and and you can’t make any of this happen from sitting around.

Colby: 1:12:35

Fair enough.

Louise: 1:12:36

No, I knew it was gonna be hard work. Now, if I don’t do anything, I just sleep.

Colby: 1:12:42

Well, maybe that’s the only time you’re not doing something is when you are asleep. Yeah, yeah. Well, look, it’s been wonderful to have you on. It’s been a I think hopefully a really inspiring chat um for and and just a a reminder um to people to remember the humanity of our least fortunate um yeah, uh our least fortunate members of the community. You you and Sarah Anderson have a podcast. Um I I just thought I’d mention that. Um you can you can just as a plug, you can uh say the name of it.

Louise: 1:13:26

Thank you so much. Yes, Sarah Anderson and I are probably the the the most uh uh seasoned campaigners for for foster children and foster carers. You know, we got your backs, and we’ve just launched a podcast called Foster Care Uncovered, the truth from the front line. And we’re getting, you know, some prolific people on there, social work, academics, child uh child psychologists, everything you need about fostering, because without foster carers, there is no fostering, and we want to recruit and look after them.

Colby: 1:14:06

Wonderful. Well, thanks again, Louise, and uh I hope to that we can have another conversation another time, keep in touch.

Louise: 1:14:16

Yeah, and maybe by then you’d have got a dog.

Colby: 1:14:21

Well, uh maybe maybe one of my sons has got um, yeah. Well, maybe maybe we’ve got three dogs, but they they live with my son, so probably more likely to be a company if you think the body is.

Louise: 1:14:41

Thank you so much to have me on Colby, it’s been a delight. Thank you.